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Thursday, November 5th, 2009
9:50 am	nightmare roomies? So this morning I woke up from a nightmare which was a little non-traditional but I categorize as a nightmare because I woke up with my pulse racing, because the whole dream I was miserable and uncomfortable, and because it certainly wasn't a happy dream. Also because I could not lay down and go back to sleep without thinking about it. Maybe it should just be classified as a bad dream, since I didn't wake up in terror. I don't know. Anyway, the dream now that I'm sitting here kind of sounds silly... though it was as miserable and totally uncomfortable as I imagine it would be if it really happened. In the dream my ex (Eric), his girlfriend, and Jackie (a friend who I'm no longer talking to but ran into recently) all lived with Josh and I for some horrible reason. I am not even entirely sure if the girl was Jackie or someone else but she was sort of a non-issue except that she was friends with Eric's girlfriend in the dream and therefore part of the collective problem. In the dream, Eric wouldn't talk to me but was purposely getting in the way when I was trying to do the dishes, which we had piles of, and no one was volunteering to do them. However as soon as I started trying to do them, Eric was getting in my way/ sort of trying to make it look like he was trying to do the dishes but really just basically blocking me from getting to the sink. At one point he actually pushed me out of the way. His girlfriend wouldn't talk to me really, and kept making bitchy asides about me to her friends. Meanwhile I am doing my crazy glowy pregnant woman thing where I am all crazy everytime someone pisses me off. I keep trying to confront them and flipping out. Also, trying to make her friends feel unwelcome and miserable, then feeling guilty about it and realize it's not their fault they're stuck in the middle of this. Random bullshit roomies hating each other stuff just keeps going and going and I wake up. *** I would just like to point out, that though it's not something I think about MUCH when Eric comes up (which he has recently, in conversation with Josh Winkler) it does irritate me that he won't speak to me. We were getting along for awhile, when I would see him without his girlfriend. I would say for more then a year, we had gotten along and for 6-8 months we managed to see each other without it being really uncomfortable - I thought the fact that we were both dating other people made it better, we didn't really go out of our way to hang out but were friendly when we saw each other at Joe's or out at bars. Then, the first time I see him with his girly I'm excited to meet her (despite her red headness, though my hatred of red heads because of his was a running joke sort of our whole relationship, I ignore it) and the two of them both ignore me the whole time. AWKWARD! Then I talk to Joey D about it, he seems to think everything is hunky dory and there's no reason eric and I can't get along. I even texted him about a full literature review on adolescent ecstacy use in mice I was doing... blah blah, then the next time I see him he and his girl ignore me again. So, I assume she hates ex girlfriends, or is the jealous type, or he just doesn't want to introduce us or something because Eric has never been good at confrontation or being honest about things except possibly when drunk. So whatever. I mean, in general, whatever. But sometimes it does bother me. I like having closure with people and being able to be in the same room as them and say Hi and hope they're well, and mean it. It's one thing if they live far away and they won't speak to you but it's awkward when you have a mutual best friend (Joey D). Anyway, the reason I'm explaining all this is really in relation to my dream. I guess living with Eric and girl (if I was crazy I could go on facebook and look up her name but I don't really think her name matters in this case. It might be Cassie?) would be horrible, and my brain has been awesome at creating impossibly uncomfortable situations for me to dream about since pregnant. I've had a few dreams with Eric in them since being pregnant, and one other (maybe more then one, but one I specifically remember) where he was my room mate and being mean to me. I was still pregnant and with Josh in all the dreams. There was always Eric trying to be mean/ get in my way. I definitely have had trust issues with Josh that have sort of stemmed from my relationship with Eric. Towards the end of our "real" relationship, and throughout the couple years of drama Eric and I had my senses were totally tuned in for suspicious activity. Apparently I never turned it completely off because I would get way down Josh's throat about a lot of things in our relationship. Now, this of course had me catching him in lies a couple times, but they were not Eric scale lies by any means, and they were mostly accidental, Josh forgetting things and me being crazy lies. Luckily, Josh tried really hard to be understanding that I was still kinda broken, but it frustrated him of course. Since I've been pregnant a lot of things have changed with this. I'm a lot more trusting of Josh. whether it's some hormonal thing, or just knowing that Josh is really with me in this. I mean, before I was pregnant we were already all wanting to be together forever, had worked a lot of trust stuff out blah blah blah. But we have somehow gotten even closer since then. Being family is really different then being boyfriend/girlfriend. I think it's kind of like how people say relationships change once you get married. Though marriage doesn't matter to me that much, the survival of my genes does. ;). Josh is awesome, he's gonna be an awesome dad, and he's so important. I still make him miserable about other things, but not usually distrust things. I mean, I still jokingly get jealous about girl stuff, but it actually is a joke for the most part. I don't actually know when that happened. I think it's a change in both of our mind sets about our relationship. It's not that we want to stay together for the baby or something, though of course both of us would probably rather nothing happens to break us up eventually even more now that there's a kid involved. It's more like there's this concrete, ever lasting thing, that was created by us, together. It's something (someone!!!) physical coming from us loving each other. It's kind of ineffable. I can't explain how cool it is to be family. To be really family. I've felt that way with some friends, and even Nick W my ex boyfriend long after we broke up, but never REALLY felt that way with a  boyfriend. It's pretty awesome. Anyway, I'm off topic. Anyway the point of this is I think Eric does represent some kind of obstacle or something in my dreams... and might even be translated almost literally, that it does bother me I can't be friends with Eric. Because I'm open to being his friend, and forgive him as a human being knowing all human beings do crazy and sometimes terrible things. I guess it's a situation out of control to me, which bothers me a lot. Since I've been pregnant, I've felt out of control of a lot of things. Specifically my body, and other things related to my pregnancy symptoms... and get one very mundane thing that makes me feel out of control: THE DISHES! So, it's funny, the dishes thing, because I've had dishes in a couple of my "Pregnancy nightmare dreams" which I will now coin them. The dishes definitely represent something out of control. BECAUSE: my sense of smell is CRAZY now. I can smell everything. SPECIFICALLY: yucky things. Sometimes good things smell better, and it does interesting things to food taste, but bad smells affect me quite a bit. When the dishes get to a certain point I basically can't wash them anymore without the gag reflex in full affect. This is a problem because Josh is way busier then me and sometimes it takes him days to do them. Also, fyi: there are tons of dishes inthe kitchen right now, so it's on the mind. Now that it's colder out it's not AS bad because the smells from the dishes don't travel as well and things don't get as yucky as fast, but when it was hot out I could smell the dishes in the whole downstairs of the apartment if they even sat over night. Josh has been a saint in this regard, and very uncomplaining about doing the dishes. Anyway, more to make the situation out of control. Now that I THINK of it. Jackie being there is another out of control thing. Last time I saw her was at Dave Lundquist's Halloween party, which I was so glad to make it too!! She was there and it was the first time I saw her in years. It was like seeing a ghost though. She looked exactly the same. I mean, I didn't look at her too close but it was jarring seeing the Jackie walk, the Jackie skirt, the Jackie with clove (or something) in hand. It was awkward. Devil John and I had a long conversation about her the one day, up way too late at night. He said I should "open myself to the possibility of her coming back into my life" and so I sort of put it out there in the universe that I forgave her for what happened, and what I was mad at her for, and let bygones be bygones. I even began to sort of understand her frustration and anger at me. I was clearly in some state of insanity over Eric and my view of everything was distorted because of the fucked up dysfunctional world I was living in. There were other people who were quite unhappy with me towards the end of that relationship who seemed to be content with me later in life, so it was not only her. Of course, when I saw her at the party I did not talk to her or really smile at her or anything. I waved to her! Which is more then we've done in years. I mean, I don't know if I can imagine us really being friends since I don't really know her as a person anymore. But, I don't harbor ill will to her anymore, and it would be nice if I could have a conversation with her at parties. It's sort of ironic that out of all the drama of those days, Cait and I somehow became good friends to a point where, Cait has even talked to me about the Eric thing before and been understanding! How odd the world is. I gues it makes sense to a degree. I think Cait has had more experience with losing and regaining friends then Jackie or Eric necessarily have. Any way, I don't really know what to do about Jackie or if there's anything to be done but it's an element out of control. I think the thing is, a lot of time when you're going through a period of spiritual evolution it really makes you think about negative energy/ kharma/ bad stuff you've had in the past, and wish you could clean yourself of all of it. And I am definitely doing that. I'm taking care of my body better then I had in a long time, with eatin healthy and not drinking or anything, going to sleep semi-regularly. I'm surrounding myself with people who really care and spending less time with bar friends. I'm reading more, and have a LOT more time to spend to myself then when I was in school. I think evolution and growth does really make one want closure, want to let go of negative things that have happened, not only to help yourself grow more but just because it's the "right" way of things. Hence the dream... So, it does make sense upon reflection, which is more then I can say about some of my pregnancy nightmares!! Oh, by the way She's a girl! :) Current Mood: contemplative (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 23rd, 2009
2:34 pm	I've spent the whole day researching gardasil, hpv, and cervical cancer. It feels good even if it's just for fun and there is no end product necessarily in site. The reason I started doing it was because of http://catholicexchange.com/2009/10/21/122823/ that article... which Josh's mommy sent to me. She is sort of a vaccination skeptic, and can afford to be I suppose, in a sense since her children are home schooled and don't have to be as vaccinated as children who have to get vaccines to go to school. I think they have gotten most of the normal vaccines but who knows! I'm scared of herd immunity, the seriousness of some thankfully non-prevalent disease... I mean, d'ya know anyone who ever had polio? I bet they wish they were vaccinated. I have a friend now who has all kinds of auto-immune issue thanks to her childhood polio (she is in her 50s so.. yea) Anyway, after lots of researching and trying to untangle the numbers this article gives and the massive amounts of opinions the author gives, I have to say I definitely think that gardasil is still great but maybe the efficacy of it in children who are pre-pubescent needs to be tested a little better before we start requiring it for school enrollment. After all, the vaccination could also cause an illusion of safety. People also do need to make sure to know this does not mean the end of pap smears.... Though MOST of cervical cancer is caused by the viruses this shot protects against, not all of them are. I'm definitely biased towards the shot in general, because I'm a big advocate for STI protection. Even if cervical cancer rates are declining and not nearly as high as a lot of other cancer rates, it is still CANCER. It's still amazing that people are figuring out steps to avoid cancer. Just like birth control and a lot of other meds a clinical trial has tons of controls and is gonna look different on paper then once a pharm gets  out on the market. I'm not one to go about shouting the greatness of the FDA... and I know that meds can get pushed through quicker then some scientists are comfortable with, though there ARE practical reasons for doing this. The pre-clinical trials of the vacc look pretty good, and the efficacy of the drug as a preventative measure against HPV is beautiful. The numbers are delicious. Seriously... the confidence rates are so high, and it's almost a 100% effectiveness it looks like in every trial. So that's pretty nice... And that's not just the vaccination we commonly use but there's another one with a bit of a different mode of transfer (insect cell v yeast) that has the same efficacy. Lovely, so that's not a problem. The real questions on it are: Is it worth it? Is it MORE dangerous then cervical cancer? Out of the 37 deaths that happened after the trials (out of the 29,323)  they are pretty consistent with adolescent population.. they are also not too different between control and the vacc, and the highest cause of death is car accident, suicide, and gun shot wound. I am interested to see if this is yet another med that can affect people with a history of blood clots in the fam, etc, but it's so hard to tell because most people who  got the vacc and then had circulatory/ blood clot problems afterwords (in the real world not clinical) were on birth control (increases risk of blood clot) or had other risk factors (pregnancy which its not safe for, obesity,  etc). Anyway, it was fun researching it all day and I won't waste my time blabbering about it anymore. I did a lot of database research which made me happy, I don't want to get rusty. Also, some of the resources from the original article were pretty cool though the author did present them in a pretty skewed manor and still left out some pretty important citations. Well, anyway, that's my excitement for today! Never a bad thing to think about shots docs want to stick in you!   Current Mood: cold (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 11th, 2009
9:24 pm	Unlike normal sick, when you are sick and pregnant (and me) you actually have to take care of yourself because you keep thinking of all the germys going to the poor developing fetus inside you. Hold on Big bird, we'll get better soon! So here I am at home with my netti pot, hot herbal tea, and a book... which would be fun if my body was not so miserable. Also, I might have to break down and turn on the heat much sooner then planned in fear of getting myself sicker! oh noes! <3 Heather Angel Current Mood: cold (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 9th, 2009
5:28 pm	Ben Folds - lyric God Ben Folds on Thursday was incredible. He played with the BPO on stage at Kleinhans, which for those of you who don't know is actually one of the most acoustically renowned halls in North America. I have seen Ben Folds three times before this show - twice at Thursday in the square, back when you could actually see a musician at Thursday in the square, and once at  Niagara University which was basically in a gym... didn't sound as hot though he was a great performer. This was by far the best of all performances. I have never see an audience at Kleinhan's this wild... for good reason, I mean most classical music fans don't chant for (another) encoure at the end of the show. He was amazing, funny, and when he talked in between shows he transformed from this rock star at the piano, to this nerdy sweet guy who had funny stories about why he wrote all these goofy songs - from writing them for his children, to being frustrated about the media hoopla over the diaper astronaut, to his friend Steve who kept getting him to throw goodbye parties and kept missing his plane and asking for more. His new songs are great, written by Nick Hornby (a british author who wrote High Fidelity and About a Boy) sound great and very Ben Folds despite the lyrics being by someone else. It's obviously a great collaboration as the song lyrics are not too far from Ben's usually repertoire in my opinion. Ben stayed away from a lot of his singles, which was good for me who has already seen him a bunch... though Josh was dissapointed he did not play My Philosophy he did play a lot of popular songs... he also played the songs he wrote for his kids right in a row which of course had us all sappy... and me thinking about how I should play more Folds for the baby to mix up the constant classical a little. It was an amazing show. Watching Ben Folds in front of an orchestra is like watching one of the classic rock greats, like I'm seeing Elton John back in the day or something. I know he's incredible, not just a fun show or good music... but incredible lyrics, music... and well Ben Folds' voice which sounded great and really flexible in Kleinhan's as he switched between sweet ballads and loud swingy almost showtuney stuff. Josh and I both agreed it was probably the best concert we've ever been to (and it's only been a little over a month since modest mouse, who is by far Josh's favorite band). Sooo glad we went even though for once I actually had to pay for BPO tickets. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 5th, 2009
4:35 am	So, I miss my friends a lot. Don't know what to say about that. It's tough to go out to bars on the weekend knowing I won't be drinking and I usually get tired by 11... I can make it past that but... it's not really all that fun. I'm TRYING though. I get to see Ben Folds at Kleinhans Thursday, and possibly go to Moe. Friday if we decide to... I feel like I've been spending too much on shows, and should be buying things I need for the house and saving money more then I am. BUt it's MOE. and it's been so long since I've seen them. And I love them so much. Josh really wants to go too. Of course Karen is having a thing Friday I could do if I don't go to Moe. and that would be rad too.... and free. I see Liz a lot, a) because I just generally like spending time with her and b) because she is willing to hang out and do boring things. But I am pretty sure if I made more of an effort other people would be willing to do boring Heathery things too. However, I get so tired of all the plans I am obligated to make that most of the time I just want to go home and do nothing. Oh well! Maybe I'll get to larp this weekend, that would be fun. I'm so excited to see Ben Folds Thursday. The show will kick ass, and I have 8th row piano side seats which is pretty much the exact seats I wanted. I paid a lot for them but I love him enough that it's worth it. <3 Heather Current Mood: sleepy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
5:51 am	I miss lunch meat. Also, I'm such a researcher, I've read so many baby books it's getting to the point where I will read a whole book and learn one or two small things that are really just variations on the things I already know. Haha. I am gonna start using UBs data base to print scientific journals on pregnancy... ok, I lied I already have. Apparently @ 16 weeks they think the baby can hear according to baby books, but according to the journals I've read that's sort of up in the air. None the less, I still have been listening to classical music and singing and talking to the little one since... well way before 16 weeks. Currently I'm reading aa book about homeopathy during pregnancy from my aunt. The book constantly tells you to get advice from a professional homeopath. I'm skeptical to say the least, but deeply respect the person who gave it to me (my aunt the accupuncturist-chinese herbalist- md). Also, there is really good non-homeopathy advice in the book, and she gave me a kit of cures too, so maybe I'll break down and try something antinausea as long as it's not something crazy like belladonna that I feel uncomfortable putting in my body. I don't know though. I'm into a lot of alt medicine but this may be going too far for me. There's no actual science behind any of it it seems... well... to the databases I suppose. Off to work! I have more hours and am doing group sale stuff now so maybe I can chill on looking for a new job for awhile. Current Mood: calm (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 14th, 2009
10:50 am	some times, a moment can change your life forever So, livejournaly world... The reason it has been completely impossible for me to post anything long/ meaningful as of late is because of a specific bit of news that I was not quite ready to share with the whole wide world, but I think it's getting to be that time... ... I'm pregnant! 4 months, pregnant, actually as of Saturday. I'm due February 27th, which is also Sarah, Josh's little sister's birthday. She is totally excited to be an aunt... as are his other sisters I think. But not as excited as MY sisters, who as far as I'm concerned are going to be the best Aunt's in the world... along with Josh who will be the best dad, and all the great pseudo-fam the kid will have thanks to my great friends. Yesterday I had my grad party, and I had heaps of generosity which was oh so appreciated, and unexpected considering that a lot of my family could not come, and I did not really expect so much at all from friends. I think I might cry or something. But, it was a really fun gathering besides that, with the perfect amount of friends and relatives. Only really one family from each of my parents's sides of the family was represented, but I'm glad I got to see them both. I got to tell a couple people that I was pregnant who didn't know... AND Renee and I are having babies within a week of each other! I'm so thrilled. Plus, she said she will prob have to get a cesarian and have it a little earlier then her's is planned which means our babies might even be closer then that. We both find out the sex of our little ones the end of this month. Paul and her have wanted another one for a little bit, so I'm really excited for her! AND my other closest cousin, Sarah's baby will be turning 1 right around that time... so he or she will have great family members close in age... which is good because there will be no brothers and sisters until after I'm done with school for good (or at least done with PA school... I'm me, I'll prob never be done with school for good). Josh is scared but excited... I mean, it's sort of different for him then me. He still has a year left of school and is only 22... But we're in love like crazy and that seems like it should help things work out. My whole family and all my friends have been great and supportive. There are lots of things to worry about, but I will leave that for later entries or (hopefully) resolve some of them soon so I don't have to! It's weird telling people, it seems almost unreal... but it seems like something to do. And there have been so many times I wanted to just write out a crazy rant when I was being all emotional going nuts pregnant girl and haven't, now that you all know, I can! Current Mood: content (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 17th, 2009
3:31 pm	My life is such a mess right now. some days I'm thrilled as hell, excited about everything, and other days I'm just way too aware of how delicate a balance it all is. On those days, I'm constantly wondering if I'm really on top of my game or if I need to kick it up... and if I do (which I probably do) how to get the energy and motivation to do it. Ok, so we've got this, this, and this covered... now if only I had THIS covered too... then I wouldn't have to worry so much. Then things would be cool. And the tiny part of me that wishes I didn't have to move out of this house is getting bigger, the more apartments I look at. Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 15th, 2009
7:53 am	I love Liz so much. I'm so glad she moved to buffalo. Otherwise, this summer has been pretty busy but also kind of boring thanks to being in school until last week. I got a B in spanish which is exciting, because I missed the first week of class because it overlapped with microbiology, and then I was sick through the first few weeks. But I studied a lot for the midterm, and talked to the teacher a bunch about what was going on and definitely can agree that I did not really earn an A but definitely earned a B. So, As of September 1st I will have my bachelor's degree! Finally! It's perfect timing. So this year is saving money, working, and applying to PA schools... well, after I take my GREs of course. I might also take a science class of some sort this year but am undecided as of yet, I'll look at the requirements for the schools and see what it looks like I need to take. I don't think I need anything I have not taken but I can always retake orgo 1 for a better grade if necessary, I did pretty awful in it. Otherwise the science grades are good. Which is nice. Josh makes me so incredibly happy, and I'm lucky to have him. He is gonna be gone all today and tomorrow working on a movie for some film festival, which is sad because I don't get to spend time with him, but happy because he hasn't worked on anything big lately (besides the artvoice tv stuff he's doing).... I think he's looking forward to doing an actual film, as opposed to all the live stuff they've been doing at AV. I am sleeeeepy. I had to wake up and call into work today because they small Boyles were over last night, and unknowingly I shared my bottle of water with Zack who's mom mentioned afterwords was sick with a cough, he's had it for awhile but I'm so used to hearing it I forgot, but sure enough a few hours later I am coughing and this morning my voice is gone and I can't call people trying to sell them things voiceless... so I get to lay in bed all day. Yay. <3 Current Mood: crappy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
8:30 am	eeyore makes me smile " Even weeds are flowers, once you get to know them" ~Eeyore (and even eeyores can be poohs sometimes) Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
1:09 pm	I'm 26. I'm not really sure what that means, except I'm no longer to be trusted. Current Mood: calm (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
8:12 am	I was gonna rant about my dad's ridiculous right-wing paranoias about the world, but then  I sat down and read my friends' list, which I have not done in awhile and sort of lost steam. It is pretty amazing how he thinks he's right about everything though, he talks like he's an expert in the field. He was bashing scientists this morning in the car, which irritated me. It's not the scientists who make the policies they have to follow, it's society. It frustrates me whenever he brings up scientists. Blah blah blah... right wing conspiracy theories, etc... I can deal with... but stop pretending you know more then you do. Otherwise life is ok, and I should be studying for an oral quiz in spanish right now because I don't really know how to say as much as I need to, and this is my last class in undergrad I should be able to make it go. Megan is talking to her boss at school about getting me a job teaching, which is actually semi-real and would be perfect for my GRE studying/ and college applying year off. Also, I started larping again on Adam's request, and Josh and him are along as well. We have a pretty fun group I think and the STS have been really encouraging and supportive. I've missed these guys even though the surprisingly large amount of people I used to see being there makes me miss some specific faces that are not there even more. I love that I can sit down and chat with people like the shank ninjas, Pete, and Dave like barely any time has passed by at all... I drank a caffeinated beverage this morning for the first time in two weeks.... what a difference it makes when you're not drinking it every day! Current Mood: awake (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
3:13 pm	I think Amanda is really smart and amazing and after she stops having to deal with the bullshit admin at ecc she will be an awesome dental hygienist.. My summer is filling up sooooo fast. I am going to see New Kids on the Block in June, which is hilarious to me. Memorial day weekend camping was fantastic. I need to go on a Josh and Heather only trip though, because I am an addict. Also.... hmmm. Life is pretty rad. When I'm not being crazy, at least.... err when I'm not being, angry-crazy. I'm out. Current Mood: bored (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 30th, 2009
12:02 pm	I hate dreaming about ex boyfriends. It makes me feel all icky and weird. I also hate having horrible headaches when I wake up. Usually, when I have migraines, I go to sleep to make them feel better. These headaches I've had lately are totally miserable and worse when I wake up from a nap. The good thing is, that you know how sometimes when you're pre-med or taking a psych class you become a hypochondriac (all doctors do it, in the beginning, says paul farmer, and then they think they're indestructable later)... well for once, I took a class that makes me less of a hypochondriac, because neuropsych makes me realize that pain alone is not enough of a symptom to start getting crazy over brain tumors or some other kind of problem. You know, there'd have to be other symptoms along with it. Nausea, forgetfulness is a big one... other stuff Of course, you can totally get a migraine stroke but that's sort of a sudden onset kind of thing. I love neuropsychology. I love love love it. Truly. Well thinking about neuropsych makes me feel a little better then I did about 20 seconds ago, that's good. Today and tomorrow are my last finals, then I have a paper due Monday, and a neuropsych assessment and research methods proj due Tuesday. I should've studied more for the test tomorrow, but all in all it's under control. I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself for taking 23 credit hours and actually getting though it without having a nervous break down... (and no I don't think it's too early to say that, I'm pretty confident about the stuff coming up). Ok, whatever like most of my friends who were lucky enough to have a city honors education are more successful at academic life then I am so far, but I'm pretty happy with events... and Spanish class this summer will be lovely, if for no other reason then, I will know that it's the last undergrad class I have to take. But seriously, it will be cool to have fun taking it and not worry about other classes at the same time too. Also I'm seriously considering a trip to a spanish speaking country immediately afterwords. As a reward to myself for getting it done. Also, to make me actually learn spanish as opposed to what the classes tend to do. I have a feeling this summer will be lovely, and nostalgic, and the last summer I will spend in Buffalo for a very long time. Current Mood: drained (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 20th, 2009
1:21 pm	It's almost an island I hate when you're not allowed to talk to people who you want to. By allowed I mean, you know, by normal conventional standards at times. At other times by you know, taking their "hint" ie blatant and direct statement, silent treatment, or otherwise, that they don't want to converse with you. I mean, I hate it more when it's because the person does not want to talk to you. In these instances I'm torn between you know, wondering if maybe enough "time has passed" that they're over the grudge, and mystified by the whole concept of burning bridges anyway. Of course, I accidentally burn bridges... no lies. And sometimes, I pretty much purposely do it. Not necessarily because I hold a grudge, but because I can be stubborn about conforming to what people want from me, or pretending I'm wrong when I think I'm right. Chances are I could be wrong in these instances, but I'm not sure if there is an objective right and wrong in this life, and I know that, subjectively if I don't make the right choice for me, I will just lead a miserable life. I tend to also think that, since I am sort of a door mat in situations, and eager to please and do pretty much anything for a person once I care about them, that if I am NOT willing to do something for a person it is probably because they are asking something that contradicts some kind of important inner value of mine, or makes me feel like I would somehow be degrading myself or lying to myself or doing something untrue in order to do it. I guess I just want everyone to be my friend. I forgive people for things they have done to me negatively, and cherish the things they have done for me positively. I'm sure that there are some people I have not communicated that well to, and some people who it would be impossible to do so for. However, I want to, however unrealistic it may be. It is probable that at least one or two of these people, I would realize it's a bad idea to talk to, if they were willing to do so. However, it is possible that there are a couple that it would be possible to rekindle old connections with, make new, and put aside the negatives about each other in favor of positives. Anyway, that being said, this new photography project is tearing me apart. It's making me feel a little guilty too, since it's really about old lovers and does not apply to the current one at all for the most part. However, once again, Jeanette Winterson saves me, reminding me of some things I need to be reminded: http://www.jeanettewinterson.com/pages/journalism_01/journalism_01_item.asp?journalism_01ID=226&journalism_01_Category=The%20Independent Oh, desire. You feisty devil. :) Anyway, I'm off... back to the world of neurochemicals.... wish me low cortisol and high serotonin! Current Mood: contemplative (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 9th, 2009
5:12 pm	I am a bit fucked up in many categories of dealing with life, and dealing with personal things, etc... HOWEVER, days like today happen and remind me that they are not beyond me to the point where there is no way to deal with them. Also ---- never going back to vanilla flavored things. Never ever. And I'm in love... :) Oh... and *groan* for the obligatory life update stuff: I AM staying in Buffalo for another yearish probably less (I know I know, NYC is postponed again)... however, Josh got into the Television Fine Arts program and we both have all kinds of hook ups here... and I think I have a job possibility thing happening that I might actually get. Oh yea, and this semester ends in 17 days. and My last class is this summer. And my graduation will be confirmed 9/1. No stage walking thankfully, but there should be a party of some sort. I feel like, I deserve it, sort of... Though Josh is going to have to receive some sort of award or something since his helping me remain more emotionally stable then ever the past year has definitely made the end in sight with a much better GPA then I probably would've had otherwise. Happy days. Time for GRE studying and applying to PA schools. Woohoo. Also, I want to be the PA version of Paul Farmer when I grow up just so you guys know... and yes I'm gonna try to swindle my way into ivy somehow, whether it works or not, at least I'll know I tried. Current Mood: cheerful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 26th, 2009
2:53 pm	frustrating people When a figure of authority yells at me, I generally lose respect for them. Not total respect but you know, a little flakes off. Unless I'm doing something especially maddening - which I know I do at times to people and authority figures who know me well, mostly... but You know, when they get mad about a mistake, or something they never told you they expected in the first place, or when they are frustrated about something else entirely. I suppose it's a little bit because I don't like being yelled at: I think it's unfair and immediately I cannot respond in a normal way when this happens with some one who is my boss. It is VERY hard to even defend yourself, let alone yell back when a person like that gets mad. But also, and more importantly I think, it's because I think it's representative of a loss of self control... and just reminds me of the many problems that there are in any sort of human hierarchy of dominance. Current Mood: exhausted (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 9th, 2009
12:01 pm	It's weird how conflict and it's resolution can make you feel better then you did before the initial conflict ever took place. Every time Josh and I argue, the resolution feels so good it's incredible. Like I just won a prize or something. The ability we have to actually resolve things, talk them out honestly, and work something out instead of one of us just bullying the other or love-brainwashing each other into stuff is incredible. Really, really communication is delicious. Talking to him is like talking to... my sisters or something. They're really the only ones comparable. I've been feeling kind of disconnected lately and I'm a little suspicious that House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski is part of the reason. It's a great book but in order to really get into it you sort of have to let those borders between sanity and insanity levels slip a little. I feel like I'm in Black Tea, and I keep failing sanity checks. The madness is lovely while I'm reading, and I am in awe of the state of mind he can invoke and the little clues I am better at picking up as I go along, but as soon as I stop I feel awful. It's a weird experience. I get so caught up in books that once in awhile I come across one like this that rocks my world so much I wonder if this quality is actually a good one. Of course, this is not going to stop me from reading the book. I owe it to  this work of art to forge ahead. I need to know what happens next, I need to know how crazy this author will make me, and if he will be able to satiate my need for fear that has been so unquenchable as of late. Also, I'm excited! Tomorrow I'm spending a day at a monastery with Josh's mom and two littlest sisters. I even get part of the day to myself, for contemplation and stuff. Incredible! To share spiritual journeys with accumulated family. It's been so long since I've done something like that. Just a small update. How are you? Current Mood: crazy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 20th, 2009
11:30 am	So, If any of you are members of the Tshirt Hell mailing list you already know this... But seriously, it's the best email I get on a semi-regular basis. The blogs by them and the new tshirts are always fun even if I never actually buy them (mostly due to indecisiveness and not liking the way I look in tshirts even though I like a lot of the ridiculous stuff they have). I know they are horribly incorrect and this may seem somehow contrary to my general bleeding heart-ness b8t they, well, don't discriminate in who they make fun of .... (though possibly because I'm projecting they do seem to sway towards the more liberal side of things... and clearly they're fans of the first ammendment if nothing else)... I really dig the first ammendment and our right to say horrible, horrible things. I mean there are a lot of shirts I wouldn't wear up there, but there are others I happily would... ...anyway, I'm getting off topic. So I've been reading and at their site a lot more often recently due to the drama of the fact that they decided to close.... the reason they gave was ultimately hate mail, having lots of money, and just wanting to move on. I totally thought it was coolthat they were not selling to another company and just figured their tshirt sales probably have been dropping too. Well, it was fun. And then today they posted http://www.tshirthell.com/hello.php this blog. In case anyone actually cares about the future of Tshirt hell but has not been up on the current events I will not ruin the weird ending of this saga for you, but it's a pretty classic and appropriate move if you ask me. Also, I suggest (if you care to amuse yourself with swearing and people showering very very backhanded compliments) reading the comments from readers. One mentioned that the suspense was "better then Lost, better then 24" haha. There are also a lot of ridiculous comments involving what you would expect from a Tshirt hell fan. Anyway... I'm cheerful. And I can't believe this actually entertained me enough to write in my lj about it... well, it's a pretty innovative company and they have serious customer loyalty that I am sure a lot of the tshirt sites out there wish they could have. Anyway, enjoy! Current Mood: amused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
3:45 pm	I am crazy in love. I am having a hard time experiencing this time of year. February-March are generally terrible months and have become well, traditionally bad for the past 2 years. But, now that there is a reason for them to be bad I feel... like I want to be able to feel it. Only, I am so wrapped up in Josh and school I have not had any time to... pay my respects. To have my catharsis. I want to be able to reflect, and wallow, and miss. It's silly, no? But I have learned much through suffering and don't really believe in a life without it. This weekend, I suspend. It's good Josh won't be there. It's good that last year I was thinking of Anthony when I did it, while I was flying, while I was feeling alive, and thinking of him on a skateboard. Being in love is wonderful, and it's the best relationship I've ever been in, because we both actually have what the other one wants instead of trying to force something out of each other. It's good though, that I will have this, and Therese will be there, and I will be able to feel the pain without him there to dull it (ps there are actually studies that people can handle higher levels of physical pain when a loved one is around//  they feel it less// fear it less// it's pretty crazy) Current Mood: contemplative (1 Comment |Comment on this)