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| Tuesday, July 14th, 2009 | | 8:12 am |
I was gonna rant about my dad's ridiculous right-wing paranoias about the world, but then I sat down and read my friends' list, which I have not done in awhile and sort of lost steam. It is pretty amazing how he thinks he's right about everything though, he talks like he's an expert in the field. He was bashing scientists this morning in the car, which irritated me. It's not the scientists who make the policies they have to follow, it's society. It frustrates me whenever he brings up scientists. Blah blah blah... right wing conspiracy theories, etc... I can deal with... but stop pretending you know more then you do. Otherwise life is ok, and I should be studying for an oral quiz in spanish right now because I don't really know how to say as much as I need to, and this is my last class in undergrad I should be able to make it go. Megan is talking to her boss at school about getting me a job teaching, which is actually semi-real and would be perfect for my GRE studying/ and college applying year off. Also, I started larping again on Adam's request, and Josh and him are along as well. We have a pretty fun group I think and the STS have been really encouraging and supportive. I've missed these guys even though the surprisingly large amount of people I used to see being there makes me miss some specific faces that are not there even more. I love that I can sit down and chat with people like the shank ninjas, Pete, and Dave like barely any time has passed by at all... I drank a caffeinated beverage this morning for the first time in two weeks.... what a difference it makes when you're not drinking it every day! Current Mood: awake | | Wednesday, May 27th, 2009 | | 3:13 pm |
I think Amanda is really smart and amazing and after she stops having to deal with the bullshit admin at ecc she will be an awesome dental hygienist.. My summer is filling up sooooo fast. I am going to see New Kids on the Block in June, which is hilarious to me. Memorial day weekend camping was fantastic. I need to go on a Josh and Heather only trip though, because I am an addict. Also.... hmmm. Life is pretty rad. When I'm not being crazy, at least.... err when I'm not being, angry-crazy. I'm out. Current Mood:  bored | | Thursday, April 30th, 2009 | | 12:02 pm |
I hate dreaming about ex boyfriends. It makes me feel all icky and weird. I also hate having horrible headaches when I wake up. Usually, when I have migraines, I go to sleep to make them feel better. These headaches I've had lately are totally miserable and worse when I wake up from a nap. The good thing is, that you know how sometimes when you're pre-med or taking a psych class you become a hypochondriac (all doctors do it, in the beginning, says paul farmer, and then they think they're indestructable later)... well for once, I took a class that makes me less of a hypochondriac, because neuropsych makes me realize that pain alone is not enough of a symptom to start getting crazy over brain tumors or some other kind of problem. You know, there'd have to be other symptoms along with it. Nausea, forgetfulness is a big one... other stuff Of course, you can totally get a migraine stroke but that's sort of a sudden onset kind of thing. I love neuropsychology. I love love love it. Truly. Well thinking about neuropsych makes me feel a little better then I did about 20 seconds ago, that's good. Today and tomorrow are my last finals, then I have a paper due Monday, and a neuropsych assessment and research methods proj due Tuesday. I should've studied more for the test tomorrow, but all in all it's under control. I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself for taking 23 credit hours and actually getting though it without having a nervous break down... (and no I don't think it's too early to say that, I'm pretty confident about the stuff coming up). Ok, whatever like most of my friends who were lucky enough to have a city honors education are more successful at academic life then I am so far, but I'm pretty happy with events... and Spanish class this summer will be lovely, if for no other reason then, I will know that it's the last undergrad class I have to take. But seriously, it will be cool to have fun taking it and not worry about other classes at the same time too. Also I'm seriously considering a trip to a spanish speaking country immediately afterwords. As a reward to myself for getting it done. Also, to make me actually learn spanish as opposed to what the classes tend to do. I have a feeling this summer will be lovely, and nostalgic, and the last summer I will spend in Buffalo for a very long time. Current Mood:  drained | | Monday, April 20th, 2009 | | 1:21 pm |
It's almost an island
I hate when you're not allowed to talk to people who you want to. By allowed I mean, you know, by normal conventional standards at times. At other times by you know, taking their "hint" ie blatant and direct statement, silent treatment, or otherwise, that they don't want to converse with you. I mean, I hate it more when it's because the person does not want to talk to you. In these instances I'm torn between you know, wondering if maybe enough "time has passed" that they're over the grudge, and mystified by the whole concept of burning bridges anyway. Of course, I accidentally burn bridges... no lies. And sometimes, I pretty much purposely do it. Not necessarily because I hold a grudge, but because I can be stubborn about conforming to what people want from me, or pretending I'm wrong when I think I'm right. Chances are I could be wrong in these instances, but I'm not sure if there is an objective right and wrong in this life, and I know that, subjectively if I don't make the right choice for me, I will just lead a miserable life. I tend to also think that, since I am sort of a door mat in situations, and eager to please and do pretty much anything for a person once I care about them, that if I am NOT willing to do something for a person it is probably because they are asking something that contradicts some kind of important inner value of mine, or makes me feel like I would somehow be degrading myself or lying to myself or doing something untrue in order to do it. I guess I just want everyone to be my friend. I forgive people for things they have done to me negatively, and cherish the things they have done for me positively. I'm sure that there are some people I have not communicated that well to, and some people who it would be impossible to do so for. However, I want to, however unrealistic it may be. It is probable that at least one or two of these people, I would realize it's a bad idea to talk to, if they were willing to do so. However, it is possible that there are a couple that it would be possible to rekindle old connections with, make new, and put aside the negatives about each other in favor of positives. Anyway, that being said, this new photography project is tearing me apart. It's making me feel a little guilty too, since it's really about old lovers and does not apply to the current one at all for the most part. However, once again, Jeanette Winterson saves me, reminding me of some things I need to be reminded: http://www.jeanettewinterson.com/pages/journalism_01/journalism_01_item.asp?journalism_01ID=226&journalism_01_Category=The%20IndependentOh, desire. You feisty devil. :) Anyway, I'm off... back to the world of neurochemicals.... wish me low cortisol and high serotonin! Current Mood:  contemplative | | Thursday, April 9th, 2009 | | 5:12 pm |
I am a bit fucked up in many categories of dealing with life, and dealing with personal things, etc... HOWEVER, days like today happen and remind me that they are not beyond me to the point where there is no way to deal with them. Also ---- never going back to vanilla flavored things. Never ever. And I'm in love... :) Oh... and *groan* for the obligatory life update stuff: I AM staying in Buffalo for another yearish probably less (I know I know, NYC is postponed again)... however, Josh got into the Television Fine Arts program and we both have all kinds of hook ups here... and I think I have a job possibility thing happening that I might actually get. Oh yea, and this semester ends in 17 days. and My last class is this summer. And my graduation will be confirmed 9/1. No stage walking thankfully, but there should be a party of some sort. I feel like, I deserve it, sort of... Though Josh is going to have to receive some sort of award or something since his helping me remain more emotionally stable then ever the past year has definitely made the end in sight with a much better GPA then I probably would've had otherwise. Happy days. Time for GRE studying and applying to PA schools. Woohoo. Also, I want to be the PA version of Paul Farmer when I grow up just so you guys know... and yes I'm gonna try to swindle my way into ivy somehow, whether it works or not, at least I'll know I tried. Current Mood:  cheerful | | Thursday, March 26th, 2009 | | 2:53 pm |
frustrating people
When a figure of authority yells at me, I generally lose respect for them. Not total respect but you know, a little flakes off. Unless I'm doing something especially maddening - which I know I do at times to people and authority figures who know me well, mostly... but You know, when they get mad about a mistake, or something they never told you they expected in the first place, or when they are frustrated about something else entirely. I suppose it's a little bit because I don't like being yelled at: I think it's unfair and immediately I cannot respond in a normal way when this happens with some one who is my boss. It is VERY hard to even defend yourself, let alone yell back when a person like that gets mad. But also, and more importantly I think, it's because I think it's representative of a loss of self control... and just reminds me of the many problems that there are in any sort of human hierarchy of dominance. Current Mood: exhausted | | Monday, March 9th, 2009 | | 12:01 pm |
It's weird how conflict and it's resolution can make you feel better then you did before the initial conflict ever took place. Every time Josh and I argue, the resolution feels so good it's incredible. Like I just won a prize or something. The ability we have to actually resolve things, talk them out honestly, and work something out instead of one of us just bullying the other or love-brainwashing each other into stuff is incredible. Really, really communication is delicious. Talking to him is like talking to... my sisters or something. They're really the only ones comparable. I've been feeling kind of disconnected lately and I'm a little suspicious that House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski is part of the reason. It's a great book but in order to really get into it you sort of have to let those borders between sanity and insanity levels slip a little. I feel like I'm in Black Tea, and I keep failing sanity checks. The madness is lovely while I'm reading, and I am in awe of the state of mind he can invoke and the little clues I am better at picking up as I go along, but as soon as I stop I feel awful. It's a weird experience. I get so caught up in books that once in awhile I come across one like this that rocks my world so much I wonder if this quality is actually a good one. Of course, this is not going to stop me from reading the book. I owe it to this work of art to forge ahead. I need to know what happens next, I need to know how crazy this author will make me, and if he will be able to satiate my need for fear that has been so unquenchable as of late. Also, I'm excited! Tomorrow I'm spending a day at a monastery with Josh's mom and two littlest sisters. I even get part of the day to myself, for contemplation and stuff. Incredible! To share spiritual journeys with accumulated family. It's been so long since I've done something like that. Just a small update. How are you? Current Mood:  crazy | | Friday, February 20th, 2009 | | 11:30 am |
So, If any of you are members of the Tshirt Hell mailing list you already know this... But seriously, it's the best email I get on a semi-regular basis. The blogs by them and the new tshirts are always fun even if I never actually buy them (mostly due to indecisiveness and not liking the way I look in tshirts even though I like a lot of the ridiculous stuff they have). I know they are horribly incorrect and this may seem somehow contrary to my general bleeding heart-ness b8t they, well, don't discriminate in who they make fun of .... (though possibly because I'm projecting they do seem to sway towards the more liberal side of things... and clearly they're fans of the first ammendment if nothing else)... I really dig the first ammendment and our right to say horrible, horrible things. I mean there are a lot of shirts I wouldn't wear up there, but there are others I happily would... ...anyway, I'm getting off topic. So I've been reading and at their site a lot more often recently due to the drama of the fact that they decided to close.... the reason they gave was ultimately hate mail, having lots of money, and just wanting to move on. I totally thought it was coolthat they were not selling to another company and just figured their tshirt sales probably have been dropping too. Well, it was fun. And then today they posted http://www.tshirthell.com/hello.phpthis blog. In case anyone actually cares about the future of Tshirt hell but has not been up on the current events I will not ruin the weird ending of this saga for you, but it's a pretty classic and appropriate move if you ask me. Also, I suggest (if you care to amuse yourself with swearing and people showering very very backhanded compliments) reading the comments from readers. One mentioned that the suspense was "better then Lost, better then 24" haha. There are also a lot of ridiculous comments involving what you would expect from a Tshirt hell fan. Anyway... I'm cheerful. And I can't believe this actually entertained me enough to write in my lj about it... well, it's a pretty innovative company and they have serious customer loyalty that I am sure a lot of the tshirt sites out there wish they could have. Anyway, enjoy! Current Mood: amused | | Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 | | 3:45 pm |
I am crazy in love. I am having a hard time experiencing this time of year. February-March are generally terrible months and have become well, traditionally bad for the past 2 years. But, now that there is a reason for them to be bad I feel... like I want to be able to feel it. Only, I am so wrapped up in Josh and school I have not had any time to... pay my respects. To have my catharsis. I want to be able to reflect, and wallow, and miss. It's silly, no? But I have learned much through suffering and don't really believe in a life without it. This weekend, I suspend. It's good Josh won't be there. It's good that last year I was thinking of Anthony when I did it, while I was flying, while I was feeling alive, and thinking of him on a skateboard. Being in love is wonderful, and it's the best relationship I've ever been in, because we both actually have what the other one wants instead of trying to force something out of each other. It's good though, that I will have this, and Therese will be there, and I will be able to feel the pain without him there to dull it (ps there are actually studies that people can handle higher levels of physical pain when a loved one is around// they feel it less// fear it less// it's pretty crazy) Current Mood: contemplative | | Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008 | | 11:56 pm |
I've been sinking lately. And whether it's being sick, or making me sick, it's just something that is impossible to make other people understand or to force myself to understand that they don't when I am like this. I'm tired and stressed and miserable. I hate presents and buying people things. I hate that I am draining out all of my emotional strength trying to think of and make things for people, things that probably mean nothing and that they probably don't understand the significance of my attempts to please. What for? I feel it though. It's winter, I feel that. And sometimes, no matter how bad you want someone to understand you when you're crazy and ruled by your emotions and life isn't fair and you're stressed and your body is all out of wack to the point that your mind is doing these crazy things that you want to control but cannot and cannot understand why they're wrong, it won't work. Because why should other people be understanding when you are a nut and you're frayed and you're at your wits end and you take it out on them? This is what happens when I get depressed I suppose, or it's possible that I don't sink fully into it. I have a suspicion I might not, due to the fact that somewhere in the back of my mind I know that life is awesome and that I get the snow blues bad and that I'm tired and stressed and worn out and... I just wish they would stop playing magic downstairs and he would come cuddle up next to me and understand that though I might have been sitting at the computer for five hours looking basically like I was doing nothing I was really editing photos for an album for his mom, and that, it's fair for me to be aggravated when I was shopping for our presents all day and then I come home and he told me he didn't want to draft and then an hour after scott gets here they draft not once but twice. This is not something that bugs me normally, I like drafting. But considering the past few days have been with Adam, or shopping, or hanging with my family, or working at the lab, or spending time with school friends I thought maybe I'd get some time to relax with him. But instead he relaxes while I stress about why I can't keep food down and try to get our present done by myself instead of having him to help me. yea, I am totally one of those whiney selfish bitches who uses live journal to complain about dumb bull shit. Winter break has pretty much been miserable, I've been sick the whole time and stressing about Christmas and feeling depressed and I don't want to quit my job my life is just going to be even harder. But I have no other actual option because I have to finish school this semester to make life happen. Sorry guys. Hope you didn't read that all. Current Mood:  stressed | | Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008 | | 1:39 pm |
statistics and classical music go together like peanutbutter and jelly, seriously. I love getting into "the zone" with math. It's wonderfully centering. Current Mood:  content | | Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008 | | 4:49 pm |
Sometimes I feel like it's not fair for me to be this in love. Like I never kharmically did anything to deserve it and one day he's going to wake up and realized he has just been deluded by lots of sex and good cooking and fun times and playing magic and realize he is not really all that in love with me. But I know that's silly, and I usually don't think things like that. We have such great times and it's weird loking at this guy who I used to think of as a little boy and realize how if I wasn't so crazy maybe we could've been even sooner. But I know that everything happened at the right time because I was pretty insane most of the time we have known each other. I am still now, but I think it's more the kind of crazy that works with being in love a lot better. No one has ever loved me so much for who I am and given me so much room to breathe when I needed it and known when I needed to be held as close and tight as possible. I can't wait for the semester to end so we can sleep in every day together and stay up later then we mean to every night without feeling guilty about homework. <3 Current Mood: happy | | Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 | | 11:39 am |
wisdom in and out
Tomorrow I finally get my wisdom teeth out. Phew. So glad.. of course because I'm me, I'm all nervous about the possible nerve damage/ sinus fuck ups etc that could accompany it but the constant pain in my head became so debilitating this past week that I realized I couldn't wait until after finals, so the sooner the better. I'm super psyched to get it done, now that I am. Life is lovely, other then the major amounts of slack I've been going through lately. I am having a lull in things actually being due as of late, but this means that I'll have papers due over the next couple weeks that I should be working on. But, I'll be taking a few days off work because of the teeth healing and hopefully I'll be back to usual self (minus throbbing jaw/head pain) soon enough to catch up this weekend. So glad Obama is president. I wanted to write something more meaningful then that, but too much zealousness from myself would be feigned. I'm nervous, and worried, that there is just too much banality for him to fight against, and I don't honestly believe it is possible to get to the presidency completely pure. I just hope he can make the difference he says he can. Among other things though, it's promising that we have a leader who speaks and looks like a leader our country can be proud of.. I think that with globalization the way it is today, it is really important we have someone the rest of the world as well as we can look at as a leader and Obama is certainly that. Also, For the first time since I've been legal to vote I am looking forward to decisions our president will make with hope. I am so used to being cynical about our executive branch that it is quite a pleasant surprise that I can still be excited about it. On Friday, I had to go back again. I can't believe how much pain around me affects me. I miss Tamara TONS. We have such a kinship, I'm so sad she had to leave so quickly. Yesterday she sent me a picture of a broccoli/cauliflower hybrid with the message "HAve you seen this new broccoli cauliflower hybrid? It looks like fractals and made me think of you!" oh yum. :) Without her here I feel this kind of weird protectiveness towards Julie. She's so sweet and bright and people don't see her for how unique her kindness is the way Tamara did. It would be easy to label her as weaker or less intelligent for people who don't know her, but they're definitely wrong. Her innocence can be very deceiving. She has something very special, and I'm lucky to have her as a friend. I'm glad that Tam opened the way for me and kept me open to her so that my stupid arrogant-elitism and own self-doubts didn't keep me from being her friend. There are so many things to learn in life, and most of them are so humbling and the greatest lesson I constantly learn is being harmonious with other sentient beings. This life has certainly become one of constant learning, and I'm learning so many amazing things. Julie is such a living symbol of that, and one of the people I learn the most from. Life is incredible and beautiful. I'm excited about it every day, and so lucky to be here. Current Mood: content | | Monday, October 27th, 2008 | | 12:18 pm |
I'm excited about taking the classes I'm registering for next semester. I'm sitting in my favorite class, but distracted by extreme gnawing hunger. I never write anything meaningful in this thing anymore. My life is boring but I'm generally doing better then ever, I think. Current Mood:  bouncy | | Thursday, September 18th, 2008 | | 10:01 am |
Rat Brains and my inner Alice
So, last night I hung out with Josh Megan my sister and her hubby Greg for our first real game night since they got married. See, we've all been pretty busy with me and Josh starting school, Megan starting school again (teaching) and Greg... well just trying to organize and adjust to having Megan's chaotic self living with him. So, we ended up debating religion as we usually do - it's an interesting debate - all of us are pretty spiritual in our own way... Josh with his catholic upbringing and above average biblical knowledge which he doesn't really allow to come out quite as blatantly ever as he does when we're with Megan and Greg, me with my weird range of eastern religions and humanistic philosophies and much more knowledge of religious books that began in china/india/asia, Greg with his jesus-centered ideology almost buddhist weird liberal but devout and still evangelical christianity, and megan with a her interpretations of biblical theology a little less racy and more strict to what I would say more canonized beliefs of assembly of God church. It's an interesting combination of people, with me being the least religious but just a theologically minded as the rest we ended up debating on the sanctity of life and where it begins and ends, and souls, and some other things. It was pretty tough for me personally since my beliefs are a lot less structured, and more personal decision I think then the rest of them. In a lot of ways it is similar, objectively speaking, since it is very emotion based, like christianity at it's roots. Anyway, dissecting our dynamic was not the point of relaying this. The point is: We talked about life, and I have a very different way of looking at the sanctity of life then they do even though I think in general we all agree respecting life is important. Anyway, I was feeling guilty while we were talking about it because I have been slacking in my efforts at avoiding meat lately. Because of a combination of trying to eat healthier food and living with Josh I really have been eating more though I still limit it, I just don't limit it to the level I want to. So I am already feeling crappy about my own inability to live out a less aggressive and harmful life. And then the rat surgery. See, here's the thing. I think that, when concessions are going to be made - it is more important to life to do animal research then to eat animals. So, I feel like, it's more important to limit my animal protein intake to as little as I can without going to extremes... I am not going to turn down turkey my mom buys at thanksgiving, or starve if the only food I have the resources to get involves meat, but I try to take a non-meat option when there is one. The rat surgerys are definitely part of some important research and in general I don't feel too bad about them, because labs really do treat them really well. Did I mention I was excited about this, partially because I used to always play with Sarah and Nate's rats? I think they're really neat creatures. I don't feel bad about the concept of rat surgery in general. I have been desensitized to it. Today in the lab I watched Liz do a non-survival rat implantation, which was really cool. She then decapped the rat and did some other stuff, froze the brain so she could section it out and blah blah blah slides and looking at it. Really, the whole thing was very humane and quite fine. I noticed afterwords, that the cage was a596's cage... who I "named" I joked after I numbered them. He was the first rat I noticed as being pretty friendly. I was pretty ready for this and not too concerned. I'm not very squeamish in general, though I was feeling a little weird just because of the combo of the conversations about life we had last night and this being one of the rats I had sort of developed some weird relationship in my head with which is silly because I just met the rat yesterday. But the thing is, if Sarah would have seen what I saw this morning she would have been bawling. IT sort of makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and cry. Because I got this job and was all "these rats will make me think of the good old days of playing with the rats at Sarah and Nates" and blah blah blah. I chattered on in the lab about playing with rats at my friend's house (at the interview, a few days before Sarah flew away from us). So, it's interesting what we're finding out, and maybe I can adopt some of the rats that would be destroyed otherwise when they're done with poking their brains (some of the studies are survivable) or maybe I can't - depending on what that entails. But I don't know maybe my brain is just looking for things to connect with Sarah in life. It's just you know, I'm just imagining her coming to check up on me and see how I was doing, making sure I was not worrying or too sad about her and then coming in on me watching someone drilling holes through a rat skull... well. The thing is, I get excited about stuff like this. It's so interesting. It's so amazing watching and learning as someone tells you like it's nothing about how they are trying to get around a major artery in the brain to a very small little center so that we can research the way a certain chemical works in it. It's amazing. It's so cool how much I learn in the lab, and how instantly rewarding it is to know you are learning APPLICABLE things. But It's just not good to think about in combination with other things. The lab is an indulgence of this aspect of myself that the part of me that Sarah knew best sort of finds distatsteful and a bit insensitive and banal in some ways. So, having these two parts of myself in the forefront of my brain at the same time is.... uncomfortable, to say the least. Oh well. I think I am gonna take off of work today and work on a paper. My mom said Amanda was trying to work on cell stuff for her anatomy class which is my favorite favorite thing, so maybe I'll see if she needs some help and hang with her because I miss her cute ass, and think it's funny seeing her just hanging out doing homework. She's so incredibly smart and so good at anything she tries to do, I know she's gonna be a better student then me now that she's decided to do it. It almost makes me want to go to dental school just so we can work together... which is insane, and an impulse I'm not going to indulge in. Thanks for reading my weird incomplete ramblings... I'm sorry if I've offended or bugged anyone with any of my outlooks or inconsistency in philosophy and action, I am trying to reconcile them, but it's a learning process and it's better then pretending everything I believe is completely consistent when it's not. love to all. Heather Current Mood: reflective | | Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 | | 8:49 am |
So... I got a research position in a lab that does behavioral neuroscience studies focusing on the ingestive behavior of rats. I actually got it last week but didn't really want to talk about it just yet as I had more important things on the mind I needed to get out first. Of course, Rose is important and totally in my mind.. as if she wouldn't be, when I just got a lab position where as the low man on the totem pole, for awhile at least I will affectively be playing with rats. Though for the time being I only get to "handle (play with) and weight (play with)" the rats, I also get to watch interesting things they do in the lab like brain imaging stuff and surgery on the little ratkins. Today we get a brand new group of little friends who I get to meet and make friends with. Yesterday I was watching the newest grad assistants learn how to slice little sections of brain. As I've actually dissected rats before (and the other new guys prob haven't actually, come to think of it.. weird - these are all psych people)... it didn't actually look too hard. I think I'll be pretty good at this lab as the chem/o chem has left me with a pretty fine tuned understanding of how important it is to be precise/accurate I think, if the animal dissections haven't.
I'm so freakin psyched to work in this lab, and Dr Daniels the Prof has published tons of papers and is really great.
My brain is flooded with memories of Sarah, which I suppose at this point is pretty much to be expected. It's sort of stupid/sad/morbid of me but I actually had a really dumb new years resolution this year to have none of my friends die. My dad pointed out the amount of stress/helplessness I put on myself by making this a resolution, which is true... Anyway, it was the only thing I really desperately wanted. It like swallows everything good that happened in a way. Like, oh, 2007, I remember what happened that year. And i still think about it. Losing a friend makes the chill of february creep into my bones, but I am sure Sarah is off on some big adventure right now, and will share it with me some day.
Since Wednesday, basically the whole love thing has been bitter-sweet, because everytime I think about how wonderful and perfect things are with Josh, I think about how unfair it is for Nate to have to lose Sarah. But wow, how lucky they are to have found each other in this life.
Current Mood: accomplished | | Saturday, September 13th, 2008 | | 4:32 pm |
To Sarah.
To Sarah. To Nate. To Dave and Heather and Mary and Jackie and Bill and Gabby and Nick and Ana and Eric and all of the other little fae-critter misfits half dream or more whose lives she affected more then we could ever tell her. The first time I saw Sarah she was not Sarah but Gina – Prince of a city of bloodsuckers. Among a pack of vicious predators she was the alpha, the top, the leader. She struggled her way to her place and many years and plotlines later her reign was still spoken of. She was as ruthless as necessary and knew how to be all the things it took. I didn’t really understand this, and maybe to say I was a bit intimidated would be an understatement. I was new to the game, and all I saw was this commanding alpha female who I did not even realize was someone much more then just the leader I saw in front of me. The first time I met Sarah it was not Mrs. Large or even Ms DeLotto I met, but Calista. She was figurehead for the tremere, Primogen of a decadent and golden age of elders of Buffalo. Once again she was among the powerful elite. The differences were immediately obvious – she had different motivations, a completely different personality then Gina. Of course the similarities were obvious as well. She was both terrifying and motherly to me. She was not without compassion as many in her position, but she wielded it well. I trusted her to a point- which is a feat almost unheard of for a tremere. I respected her skills as a woman in power and looked to her, wishing to be able to reach the heights she had. There was certainly an old boys club in Buffalo, and she had certainly infiltrated and held a strong position in it. It was not her underlings – no matter how often they wielded fire, flew, or showed off other glamour that I feared – but her knowledge, dedication, and wisdom. Within the chantry it was whispered that she was looked upon differently. So I suppose, her cohorts of this time may not see it the way I do. However, as a favored pet amongst those with power, I knew the others feared her for her skill at the game of thrones, just as much as they needed her. Finally, I did meet Sarah Delotto, this icon of power whose role-playing abilities I respected and still was pretty intimidated by. What a surprise that was. As this sweet, motherly, wonderful person began to befriend me, offering me any comforts she possibly could I was dumbfounded by the contrast between her and these roles she played. Of course she also had similarities, but these were not as striking as the differences. I realized she was not the awesome Gina or Inhumane Calista, but a creature so full of love she was barely of this world. Sarah’s grasp of the dreaming was so strong that though her heart was huge and ability to love unmatched, she wove illusions so deftly that she helped carry me into a world where I could truly only see that character she played. And so, I learned. She collected us, in a way- those with perhaps a little more then half our souls in dream and some parts of us stuck here in a world we did not understand. The sparrow, always fighting the nightmarish anxieties and mundanities of the world would whisper secrets of dark nesses that Sarah and her shared. The little squirrel girl artist, so much a true dreamer that it hurt to watch her have to do anything else – protected and reveled and uplifted by Sarah’s understanding of the pain of banality. My own sweet and beautiful laureate, who fought the pains of the world with drugs, and dumped them down the toilet in tears, while Sarah taught him and helped him and consoled him with wise words of days past when she thought the same remedies, might work. She indulged the satyrs and showed us there were times to play and times to put our pipes away. With the truth-seekers she shared truths, tarot readings that caught all our breath and stories that captured our aching hearts and hungry minds. She expected more from our big hearts then most of the world would admit. Sometimes we disappointed her, but when we didn’t, the world was always better. There were many of us, some I knew better then others, some I did not know at all. There are always wanderers and dreamers looking for a home, and Sarah had more then enough room for us all. Satyrs, Angels, Animals, Fairies, we were all with our own mother – who was made with even less of the stuff of this world then the rest of us. We were safe under her roof, in her home, if we were safe anywhere. There were countless times Sarah counseled me. She was a single point of safety in a world I felt I wasn’t made for. I shared this feeling with many of the other misfits she kept safe, but she was different. I remember thinking the same thing that many of her friends probably thought – that this world was dead for dreamers, that it was not made for someone like me. Of course, there was always hope or we would not have kept trying, we would not be the dreamers we are. Sarah helped us keep that hope. Even time itself eluded me, and there were many times Sarah had to forgive me – and did forgive me, for getting lost in another moment and forgetting some plan or another I had made with her. She knew my heart was constant somewhere deep down underneath the fluttering of my head and words. She was warm and safe and she understood that I felt the pain of the dream and dealt with it how I could, even when it was ways she knew I was better off not doing. Nathan and Sarah were the kind of love story that the rest of us dreamers wondered if we would ever have. When I first met Sarah and Nate, I played satyr – falling passionately for one person after the next but committing to none of them. I freely gave away pieces of my heart thinking I’d never run out, and of course took my share of pieces from others. Monogamy was a dirty word to me, I would joke. I had the dream of this pure and perfect love that was somehow unreachable for someone like me. Then I watched Moulin Rouge with Sarah and Nate, as they held hands and whispered lines from the movie during their favorite parts. As if this incredible love story was not enough to besiege my heart… I also had the real thing right in front of me, Sarah and Nathan nearby sighing, knowing they understood the love this movie showed more then I could really, just yet. They made dinner for me and talked to me, moving synchronously as wonderful couples have the ability to do. I was completely overwhelmed by these simple little actions, and laughed with them, warning them to stop making me think that maybe I did want a relationship after all. They were that first “real” couple I guess. The first pair I had seen together and actually believed, yea, this will last. This is the dream. I saw them and thought of my parents, a family, a love that was unbreakable. They were made for each other – the Cat and the Rat. They taught me as much, if not more, about relationships then anyone else I knew. They knew what a home meant, and made it, and invited us to be part of it. They were there when I was disillusioned with school, showing me that there were other things that mattered more. They were there when I finally did fall in love, and my heart was broken, to feed me comfort food and love and stories and hope. As we grew older we learned more and more how hard it is to live in this reality full of nightmares and pain. Even the smallest amount of the dream – the littlest taste, would help us get through the day with belief – but make us feel more disconnected from this world. Many of us moved on. Many of us learned how to hide the dream. We learned how to keep a job, go to class, and think about the things we were supposed to, and yes, we wanted to protect the dream, but we learned how to balance it a little. A lot of us moved in different directions. We did not gather as frequently though we still had Sarah’s version of holidays which would relieve us from all the madness we had to put up with from our families and make us feel that yes, we were loved and it is meaningful to celebrate together. Certainly not out of touch or out of mind, we still had connections with each other that would last our whole lives. However, we needed each other less, maybe… or we needed to separate ourselves a little from the dream in order to survive the reality. I did not spend as much time with Sarah and Nate. School took over my life, and I saw many of us being a lot more separate from each other then we used to. The few visits I did get with them were always wonderful, and reminded me of the dream I did not get to indulge in so often. They were so full of love and I swear, in the winter months Sarah’s home was always warmer and more comforting then any other trick I had learned to keep myself safe from the dark and dreary Buffalo winter. Sarah and Nate got married. I met Mrs. Large. Mrs. Large was beautiful and shining and happy and had her perfect life, if only for a little while. Sarah and Nathan promised to love each other through everything, even though those of us who knew them well knew they already had proved that. They got through everything together. It was more about us then them really, because they already knew that it was forever for them, no matter what words were said. But it was for us that they showed us, how it could be. How perfect it could be. Sarah was our mother, our healer, the heart of a body of dream. She was not like anyone else. She was not, I think it would be fair to say, really made for this world. Is that too morbid, too weird? She was a child of dream, a mother of fairies, and she shone when she created and nurtured in a world where destruction and death are everywhere. Thinking about Sarah, and those days makes me ache like a sidhe aches for Arcadea. IT was another world then my life now, but I know the days that I let myself go to the dreams were just as real and maybe more meaningful then my days now full of dates to keep and responsibilities to fill. I still feel the ache for the dreaming. I know that those of you aching for Sarah right now, still feel that horrible ache for the dream, just as you feel that terrible longing for this beautiful and important piece of your life that you will not have back as long as you live. It’s true, Sarah, in body is gone to us, and thankfully she is a lot more then just that. Sarah does not have to ache for the dream anymore. And we are still part dream. All of us have a little bit of the place Sarah has completely now. I am sure she can feel us, and will still be making sure we are safe. All of us are still dreamers, no matter how good we are at pretending we are not some days. As long as we never forget Arcadea we will still be there someday, among the angels, among the true fae, with Sarah. She is gone, but she ached for the dream even more then rest of us do, and she gets to be there first, among us, to make it home, and safe for us just like she did here. If she wasn’t there, who would be there to make us scarves and teach us how to deal with the new adventure? She always had words of wisdom; which eventually made sense, even when I didn’t want to believe them. It seemed that every time we had to go through something painful Sarah understood. I am sure that it is painful to become a dream, even if it is something we long for, it would be a lie to say I am not scared. However, maybe I can be a little less scared now, because I know when each of us get there, Sarah will be there with her words of wisdom, making it warm and telling us it will be ok. We will miss Sarah for always. We will never have a teacher, mother, and confidante quite like her. We will weep, and remember what it was like to feel the fires of dream burn bright and safe in her home, without having to fear the nightmares that were outside of it when she was there to protect us. I will ache deeply when I think of how many people have lost someone irreplaceable in their life when Sarah left us. Ache for each other, ache for our loss. But also be comforted, and don’t be afraid, because at the end of this life, you can count on having someone there to guide you when we shed all the hard cold things here, and finally can become the creatures of dream that we were made to be. And remember the things Sarah taught you, and when you see a dreamer who is trying to escape the pain, and doesn’t know what to do… remember all the things that made you feel safe in her home and share them. We still have each other, we still have the dream, and we know we are not alone in this pain. All of us can put a little bit of beauty in this world to share with the dreamers who don’t get the honor to meet Sarah, our Arcadian guide. Some day I will finally stop having to ache for Arcadia, and I hope I do not leave too much more pain in the world behind me. So, I will thank Sarah, and miss Sarah, but I will not stop believing in the dream, and hoping for a day when I will reach Arcadia too... and I know that Sarah will be there waiting, glad to see me, and eager to share all the secrets of dream she has learned since she saw me last. Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love (above all things love) to you all. | | Saturday, September 6th, 2008 | | 7:29 pm |
I believe in us more then I've ever believed in anything. Current Mood: happy | | Thursday, September 4th, 2008 | | 2:10 pm |
CHROME
I am now surfing the webby using google chrome, and I love it. I don't know if it's a placebo affect or what, but it really does seem to load certain webpages faster then ie. I really was never too into firefox, (though anything non-microsoft is nice) and I mostly use the net for research and about ten pages that I go to frequently. Some of those pages are definitely app based though, and google has once again made me fall in love with another one of the things they offer me for free. I can't wait to see what else they do with chrome, but for my uses right now, it's wonderful. It's clean, simple, minimal, and I think it works just as well (if not better) for my purposes as firefox or ie. Also, it has the fun most frequently browsed homepage. It feels like safari, which is never a bad thing. I am happy with it so far and always excited to see what kind of crazy stuff google will come up with next. I read a couple articles about it, and couldn't keep my hands off. In case you're curious. www.google.com/chrome <3 Current Mood: cheerful | | Friday, August 22nd, 2008 | | 2:11 pm |
So, I'm staying in Buffalo for now... oh yea, did I mention I was leaving Buffalo? I was gonna move to nyc this week, but a few weeks ago I was still not ready to go, still did not have a roomie, and was going crazy because of my sister's wedding. so me and the boy (yea, weird, this whole thing is, I know) sat down and talked about it ... and he basically gave me an out if I don't want to go. So now HE'S staying too... going to Buff state this semester and waiting until I graduate to leave Buffalo. What a sweetie. Hope he doesn't regret it, but I'm working to try to avoid that.
I'm pretty excited we're staying because I really don't want to take any longer to graduate, and it probably would've... I'm happy I'm getting a BS in psych instead of the biomedical sciences degree because it should be a lot easier to handle... and still get me into the school I want and stuff hopefully. Yay, woo.
Life is grand. Current Mood: happy |
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